I happened to be watching the T.O. show last night and that's my inspiration for this post. One of his PR assistants had been dating a guy for about 8 months and was holding out on sleeping with him until they got to know each other better. T.O. and his other assistant were making fun of her for not breaking him off "the cookie". Lo and behold RIGHT after she breaks down and sleeps with him after all those months he calls her needing to talk....oh and by the way I'm married. WHAT???? Come again. Well she ended up heart-broken and ticked off that he waited until she was knee deep before telling her. He said he was going through a divorce and that him and his wife had been separated a while. **me slapping my forehead**
I feel they both had a part in it getting that far without ever discussing it. First I fault her for dating a man 8 months and you mean it never came up in conversation? It might not come out on the first date or two, but it's BOUND to come up at some point (I would think) before it got to 8 months. She felt betrayed which I can understand, but at the same time she should have kicked herself for not ever asking him "so you ever been married? have any kids? where did you grow up?" etc. Those are just basic questions you ask when you're getting to know someone. I'm not sure if they're gonna work things out or not, but wanna know what I would do??? Glad you asked.....lol
I always ask someone pretty early on "have you ever been married"? This kind of kills two birds with one stone because if they haven't they can just say no, but if they're still married they have the opportunity to say "yeah I'm separated" or "yeah I'm going through a divorce" at which point I'd run for the hills because married is still married in my book....page 25, paragraph 2.
I can't speak on all men but it's been my experience that married men who are out there "dating" don't usually volunteer this information, you have to ask them. I recall an incident where I met this man and we had been talking on the phone. We had good chemistry, we laughed, we joked and and then I asked him if he had ever been married. He said that he was separated. I asked if they were going through a divorce and he mentioned not being able to afford it or something to that effect. I knew that would be our last conversation. He wanted to continue to talk "as friends" but I was like nahhhh I can't do that.
I'm sure there are people who don't have a problem with it as long as the person is separated, but I just can't allow myself to get emotionally caught up with someone who is still married. I'm of the mind-set that you handle your business before bringing someone new into the mix, but that's just me. People can still lie about their marital status but at least I ask and give them the opportunity to put it out there from the beginning. Welp.... I think that's all I have to say about that.....and on that note, I'm out.
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7 comments:
Yep, I totally agree. It's odd that it never came up, but like you said married guys don't jump up and volunteer that info. What a shame, but a big lesson learned.
Married women don't volunteer it either. If u are seeing someone u should have a clue to his or her background b4 u get any feelings. I've been married, seperated, and divorced and we feel like we have a right to move on. I told who I dated right off the back cause I'm not big on drama, but I can understand how one doesn't say anything until u r on the subject because of that "side eye". Its one of the situations u would have 2 be in to understand esp for a man because the divorced is usually blamed on him to begin with so his back is already against the wall...but there are plenty of women who do the samething.
Yeah. People, when engaging in a new relationship, almost HAVE to become detectives asking all kinds of questions, SPECIFIC questions, watch for reactions, for signs of nerves, for tics, etc... just to get a read on someone.
Sorry things went down that way.
While everyone should be allowed their personal privacy, I'm NOT a fan of people who purposely hold back important stuff that will eventually effect ME & my emotions down the line. Hell, I'd rather be disappointed early on, than all HURT-UP in a fetal position later on.
One.
@ CG - Yeah I hate to come off like I'm interrogating somebody but these days it's don't ask don't tell and I ain't trying to get caught up with somebody who is still attached to somebody else.
@ Champ....LOL...I feel ya, what ya say women can be scandolous too huh.
@ Moanerplicity - Yeah you really do have to play detective and notice stuff early on before you start catching feelings.
Interesting read
*sigh* LOL
Having been in a situation where I allowed myself to get emotionally entangled with someone married...I feel very strongly that the best thing to do is run in the opposite direction. I despise and loathe adultery and to have found myself caught up was disappointing. I kicked myself for a while, but I freed myself as well. Had I let him run the show, we'd be ass-deep in an affair. People make excuses for what they do. If you want something to end...you end it. People find money to shop for video games, music, clothes, etc...if they want to get a divorce, they'll do it. Period.
You're right...the questions should take place as early on as possible, before emotions run amok and leave you feeling hopeless.
From what I've heard from my "friends", most of the married men that I know will tell women that they're interested in sleeping with that they're married. According to the ones that do that, most women don't care anyway and they need for one of the women they're sleeping with to know about the other.
To Champ's point, married women aren't exactly forthcoming with that type of information either. I can remember a woman telling me in bed that I needed to hurry up with the quickness because her husband would be getting off work in an hour or so. I ran the hell outta there and never went back!!!
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